Tag Archives: birth control

How?

How, when the walls feel like they are closing in and nobody seems to understand why you feel like that, how do you cope?  I know, my old anxiety issues are rearing their ugly heads again.  It starts with the hot flashes and cold sweats, my heart races, i feel like i have to get every single thing done at once or it won’t get done at all and i can’t even ask for help from anyone because well, that would waste time.  But the walls are closing in.  My vision begins to blur and i just want to sit down, cry, and have a good friend tell me everything is OKAY.  i will be FINE.  it’s not my fault.  it’s not, right?

I know where the issue stems from; being over worked, under paid, not having a real sexual relationship in years, not feeling loved or appreciated at all by many people.  Closing myself off from even those closest to me.  So when I’m working and clearly doing more than anyone else, caring more and going out of my way while others stand around just talking, it gets under my skin.  It gets deep. 

My subconscious starts telling me over and over again what these people have done to me specifically in the past.  How they have screwed me over, how some take advantage of the system and how some just know the right time to “disappear
 so they can show back up as soon as all the prep, as soon as all the real work, is finished.

And it hurts.  It literally hurts.  I’m 5’6”-5’7” (between those heights) , i weigh about 145lbs, and yea let’s face it.  I have naturally large breasts.  34 ddd to be exact.  Or ff, whatever the “lingerie” store wants to call it, because you can’t just go to wal-mart or victoria’s secret and find a bra in my size.  I’ve somehow become thin and cannot lose my breast weight.  Yea, sure, most women want that.  But oh, do you want the back pain?  The constant ache? The need to have to drive 2 hours to buy a bra that is cute but costs less than $80? Seriously.  It’s NOT WORTH IT.

And at the end of the day i am left feeling exhausted, sore, sometimes lonely.  And all of the people who know how to handle me when i get to that point, well, they’ve moved away.  I know they’re just a phone call or a text away but, it’s not the same as having them there to snap me out of it immediately.  I have to figure it all out and it’s new again.  I switched birth controls because i realized too much estrogen was harming me emotionally and my body has been on the lower dose for about 2.5 weeks but it’s still adjusting. 

I know i can handle this, i can do it.  But really, what do you do, when the walls feel like they are pressing in and you can’t breathe and there’s no one you can turn to?

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